Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Proactively efforting impactful resolutions

By Capt. Fogg

"Will the impact negatively impact Mars? We're efforting more information"

- TV news anchor -

Well, it's another new year and time for those resolutions, but this time it's going to be different. I've had enough with the "lose ten pounds, clean up the garage" nonsense.

So, enter the caped crusader, the masked avenger, the diabolical Doctor Syntax; scourge of the illiterate and the savior of the tongue. No, I'm not the only one that would prefer to have people speak plain English rather than hide their flimsy educations behind meaningless, redundant, inappropriate, misused cliche, jargon and worn out metaphor, but I'm the only one willing to do more than compose lists that only the literate will read. This time it's going to be different. This time I resolve to kill.

  • The next person I hear using "efforting" as a verb as in "I'm efforting information" is a dead man. If you are unaware of participles like attempting, trying or even endeavoring, I'm going to make an effort to see how many slugs I can put through you before you hit the ground.
  • If you insist on using words like "impactful" or "impactify" or think it's cute and witty to continually and relentlessly substitute the stale and mawkishly metaphorical "impact" for effect, I'm going to think it's cute and witty to put a hollow point between your eyes. How's that for proactive impactification, bozo?
  • Same goes for those who think "having a negative impact on" sounds more educated than hurt or harmed or damaged. If an impact is a collision, a negative impact must be an explosion - like the one that propels a 9mm slug through your empty skull - impactfuly, of course.
  • I don't care what your excuse is, waiting for someone is very different than waiting on someone. Think otherwise? Here, hold these two wires.
  • The verb to invite doesn't turn into an invitation by stressing the first syllable, even if you're on Jeff Foxworthy's list. I invite you to have some of this Kool Aid - it's delicious.
  • You angry folks who write about "mute" points and use "haft to" and "tow the line" and expect me to take your arguments seriously: I'm not going to, I'm going to kill you instead.
  • You upper middle class suburbanites who think it's cute to appropriate stale inner city slang - it's jewelry, not "bling" and the next sound you hear is not going to be bling either - it'll be BANG! Badunkadunk? Sounds like this UZI blowing your head off, now get back in your Lexus and go back to Palm Beach.
  • "Could of?" "Try and?" "the reason why I did it?" " The reason was because?" Up against the wall.
You'll have to guess at the rest, I'm not going to help you too much and it will do you good to think twice about your obsession with redundant 1980's academic neologisms and political buzz words, like empowerment and proactive -- or those just plain annoying Deconstructionist affectations like Verisimilitude. Think Kindergarten portmanteau words like "Ginormous" make you sound erudite? Think twice, because I just may be lurking around the corner somewhere. Doctor Syntax is listening to you.

Cross posted from Human Voices


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Blogger Libby Spencer said...

LOL Fogg. I'm going to have to dig out my helmet and body armor. I'm pretty sure I'm guilty of some of those breaches although I'm proud to say I've never said ginormous...

Happy New Year my dear.

11:21:00 AM  
Blogger Capt. Fogg said...

Anything is permissible when you know what you're doing and you're doing it creatively. Besides, you have special dispensation.

11:54:00 AM  
Blogger Libby Spencer said...

Thanks Fogg. Appreciate the clemency.

12:16:00 PM  
Blogger Capt. Fogg said...

te absolvo

10:13:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Today is the first time I've heard the term "efforting" used multiple times by a news reader. I am not a language snob but "efforting" is ridiculous. Isn't there someone at the news stations that can correct the news readers?

1:49:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great column. How about "pre-plan" -- a favorite of funeral homes. Does that mean a plan that precedes a plan? Also "myself" instead of me, "himself" instead of him, and on and on. Check out my column, The War on Words, in Out & About Magazine, Wilmington, Del.

8:40:00 AM  
Blogger Capt. Fogg said...

I shall!

3:59:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

good lord talking about violent...i think your "efforting" a serious future problem if you worry so much about what others say!!

5:00:00 PM  
Blogger Capt. Fogg said...

I think Wal-Mart is have a sale today on senses of humor. Get yourself one.

And as for caring about what people say, it's that they aren't saying what they think they're saying that provides the humor, get it?

Don't worry about my problems -- you'd be lucky to have my problems.

12:48:00 PM  

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